Trying to think outloud again

Started doing something today that I did several years ago (gosh, scary thought, it was like six years ago), and I think it was so effective then that it carried me for several years. I used to journal a fair amount, but at that time (in Divinity School) I started an "anger journal." I had a temper and wanted to understand it, so I started writing down everything that made me mad, on a PDA (Palm) at the very moment I was mad. Ridiculously helpful practice. (Although particularly annoying to Amy - we would often be talking, and I would wip out the pda and start jotting, putting me at peace and her angry... if only she'd had an anger journal to counter with.) I'm not sure why it worked, but there's something about looking objectively at what's pissing you off, putting it on the page, that makes it seem ridiculous, but at the same time gives it weight and legitimacy. It was so effective, it gave me a handle on what was wrong, what I felt was wrong.

So, I decided today to do a sort of "concern journal", just a list of things that concern me, sometimes worry me. Just a rough primitive brainstorm of a list - turns out the list is very long, a little revelatory since things that worry or concern me usually attack alone or in smaller groups. Anything above three and I'm just "overwhelmed." (Like those hunter gatherer societies that had four numbers, "one", "two", "three", and a "whole hell of a lot.")

Some immediate gratification at looking at the list after I was done. And a desire (not a commitment, mind you) to keep it up.

But anyway, the real reason that I am writing....Been reading the Dhammapada, Buddha's treatise on particular topics ( a compendium written down a long time after he died by followers), never read it before and I'm enjoying it. Anyway, two little tidbits are bothering me.

First, "If a man's thoughts are not scattered, if his mind is not perplexed, if he has ceased to think of good or evil, then there is no fear for him while he is watchful." It's the good or evil part that bothers me. Can you be goal/justice oriented without thinking about good or evil? Or maybe it's just a matter of degree, you may think of things as helpful or unhelpful, but thinking about things as evil creates all sorts of problems. (Thus, when Marian is pleasant - not yelling about something - we've been training ourselves to say that she is being "helpful," or conversely "not helpful." In contrast to what is typically said, "ohhh, she is such a good baby." Obviously, the baby is not good or bad, just being herself, as pure as god made her.)

Second, "Good men walk warily under all circumstances; good men speak not out of a desire for sensual gratification; whether touched by happiness or sorrow, wise people never appear elated or depressed." This one bothers me more, and because of the last clause. So, I'm dispensing with the Freudian cynicism -- "Oh please, it's all about sensual gratification, everything, even your self-deluding desire to eliminate suffering and reach really comfy Nirvana." What I don't understand is why a wise person never appears elated, and wasn't Buddha "elated," smiling all the time. Doesn't the Dalai Llama giggle?

Today's rule: Stop trying to think of a rule for each post, because it's too intimdating.