Life is Boring.
I am thirty years old. And I can't decide if that's old or not. Looking at the matter as a soci0-anthropo-historian (whatever that might be) might, 30 is ancient; I have well exceeded the average human life expectancy averaged over our history (controlling for population growth, I imagine). As a natural law philosopher (all things are devoted to the propagation of the species, i.e., man-woman unions, gays are weird, etc.) might, 30 is old as I should have already bred by now, I should be swimming in little Michaels and Michelles and rearing of them.
Thank god for all those recent ideologies devoted to production and progress (whether utilitarianism, communism, capitalism, etc.), where my value is measured by growing productivity (measured by those who have more or less, but never my own standards), regardless of age. And thank industry for religion, where my value is measured by growing proximity to self-absorbed virtue (and thus excruciating self-denial and reproach) and my youth is protected as I'm convinced, or at least some annoying and powerful part of my soul is convinced, that all the passions and powers of youth are threatening my chance to enjoy eternal existence as merely boring and not painful.
But where are you when all of these competing schemes seem equally ridiculous? Maybe I should just focus on the moment? As old as 30 may be, I feel that I could be at the top of my powers, except for the hair loss and a job that requires me to sit still for 10 hours a day.
I'm wondering what time in my life I should decide was the optimum moment, the zenith of my development. What about today? While I'm a little physically weaker at the moment than I have been, a little less attractive (losing the hair, you know), probably a bit more boring (a result of the job, or a job), etc., I'm also easier-going, able to read a book from end to end (how I made it through school without being able to really read is a mystery), wealthier, more patient, probably a better lover then ever before, and more productive...
Today's rule: to try and make no decisions about how old "old" is.
Thank god for all those recent ideologies devoted to production and progress (whether utilitarianism, communism, capitalism, etc.), where my value is measured by growing productivity (measured by those who have more or less, but never my own standards), regardless of age. And thank industry for religion, where my value is measured by growing proximity to self-absorbed virtue (and thus excruciating self-denial and reproach) and my youth is protected as I'm convinced, or at least some annoying and powerful part of my soul is convinced, that all the passions and powers of youth are threatening my chance to enjoy eternal existence as merely boring and not painful.
But where are you when all of these competing schemes seem equally ridiculous? Maybe I should just focus on the moment? As old as 30 may be, I feel that I could be at the top of my powers, except for the hair loss and a job that requires me to sit still for 10 hours a day.
I'm wondering what time in my life I should decide was the optimum moment, the zenith of my development. What about today? While I'm a little physically weaker at the moment than I have been, a little less attractive (losing the hair, you know), probably a bit more boring (a result of the job, or a job), etc., I'm also easier-going, able to read a book from end to end (how I made it through school without being able to really read is a mystery), wealthier, more patient, probably a better lover then ever before, and more productive...
Today's rule: to try and make no decisions about how old "old" is.
posted by Michael at
6:46 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home