Rampant Despair

What are the signs of absolute and utter despair? My inclination, as I would think would be one shared with most, is that physical symptoms would manifest. A certain obvious ennui, listlessness, frowns, lack of enthusiasm, an impassive expression. You expect the despairing to proclaim, "Anguish! Woe!" and then to emotionally collapse with "Who cares?" But these are the symptoms I would look for in other people, if encouraged to make a diagnosis. What would I look for in myself?

The thing about despair, as it has been said, is that it is often quietly suffered. And most seem to be suffering.

Fortunately, there are those out there that have no idea that they feel despair; this makes sense, after all, I was not taught introspection in school or church, and many others probably didn't take that class either. In fact, I was taught that judgment is what happens to you; Life is about guessing the right answer to someone else's question.

But where is the help for those that have come to the delusion that the only thing separating their mind from the rest of the universe is bad luck in the form of bone and skin? Should they rely on the diagnosis of their peers? You, sir, are suffering from despair: Take these pills, practice these breathing exercises, combine your food differently, pamper yourself, set aside some "me-time", exercise, get sexy, sleep with a beautiful woman/man, get noticed, do yoga, vacation!, shop, listen to music from a pod, money!, buy a car, express yourself!, eat, eat, eat, disapprove of others, condemn others, cheer as others get what they deserve, love another, love everyone, love yourself, love God, give it up to the Lord, despise yourself, starve yourself, take a bubble bath, get a massage, hate, get a designer dog, garden, be fair, do the right thing, stop abortionists, hate pro-life wingnuts, give up, keep fighting, do nothing, laugh with perfect teeth, be a patriot, support killing the other, justice, freedom, drugs, smoke, drink perfectly expensive martinis, and borrow or work to pay for it all, steal if you can, lock up the bad guys.

Certainly despair is the risk that the smart and sane run by being honest. The nuts lose themselves in dogma, in simple answers or complicated proofs that only someone smarter could dismantle. The enlightened, like Dewey suggested, just make a choice?

Are we fortunate enough that there are just some things that we will believe, regardless of proof to the contrary? We could focus on those and find fulfillment, whether based on untruths or not. But my question is: why is meaningless so frightening, so despairing?

I'm thinking it's all about community, biological. That our need/want for community is the thing we believe without a relationship to reason.

So, how would I diagnose despair in myself? Anger. Petulance. The resurgent conviction that "it" is all meaningless crud.

In my case, I crave to be a part of the discussion, any discussion, anywhere, anytime, at whatever level, whether between strangers, intimate friends, or of nations. Otherwise, I'm alone. And god only listens for so long. Soon, god moves on, and I'm really alone. Then, I pull of my glasses, give myself a concerned look, and say "you sir, are suffering from despair." Take these pills, practice these breathing exercises...

Rule of the day: to figure out where my anger would be without me?